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Batman RIP
or
Why I Hate Grant Morrison, part 2 of an ongoing series
Originally Written October 15th, 2008

The most recent issue of Batman arrived on the first of October, and I had the sheer luck of actually obtaining a copy by heading down to my local comic book shop that very same day. It seems that Batman is now in higher demand than premium cocaine, for I have missed several previous issues in this storyline. It doesn't matter, though, for I am certain that I would be just as confused by Grant Morrison's story even if I read every single issue.

So without any more introductory chaff, here is my "review" of this issue, and of the whole crossover in general. I hesitate to call it a review as it will inevitably descend into incoherent ranting like most of my articles, but that's what gets page hits, right? It goes without saying that spoilers ¹ abound.

Let's begin with the women. So Jezebel Jet's evil now. That fact suprised absolutely nobody on the Internet. Mere seconds after she was introduced for the first time in Batman, Internet forums burst aflame with discussion of just how soon she would fuck Bruce Wayne over both metaphorically and literally. It only remains to be seen just how evil she actually is, and what her ultimate fate will be. Women in Batman generally follow one of three formulas: They either die horribly ², learn Batman's secret identity and valiantly fade into the shadows ³, or keep returning over and over as a villain ⁴.

So which one of these will it be? I do want her to die, but I doubt that will happen. Jezebel Jet already knows Batman's secret identity and is evil, so number 2 is probably out as well. That leaves the third option, her returning over and over as a seductive female villain. But Talia Al Ghul already fills that role and is present in this storyline, so I am hesitant to believe Jezebel will stick around. Perhaps Talia will murder Jezebel? I would be alright with that ending. I forsee Jezebel's future as a villain to be a very short one, regardless of how this current arc concludes.

Which brings us to The Joker. Now, I will admit that I am already biased against Grant Morrison's new incarnation of this character, but surprisingly I was not completely aghast with this latest issue. I am not too fond of the bullet hole in his head, but then it seems no one is. I fear that Morrison will try something metaphorical with it, perhaps making it into a spiritual third eye than enables the Joker to see through the fourth wall of comic books. ⁵ Likewise the new forked tongue is simply overdoing it. This new Joker is nothing more than a pawn for Morrison's other villains, and the Joker does not succeed when he is written like that. The Joker is intelligent, clever, and deadly. This Joker is written as a frothing dog and little more. But there is still a faint glimmer of hope. The best possible ending to this arc is one where the Joker murders everyone in the Black Hand, including Jezebel Jet and possibly even Batman himself, then heads down to his tailor to get a nice new purple suit and tries to forget this little chapter ever happened.

But even that is not my biggest issue with this. I was a bit more angered by the fact that a now psychotic Batman removes his mask in front of everyone, and no one cares! Not even the Joker! In crafting this lovely little homage to the 1950s, Morrison obviously missed those hundreds of issues where Bruce Wayne went to increasingly absurd lengths to conceal his secret identity from the world. Now he is fully willing to unmask in front of a group of deadly villains with no thought to any possible consequences. Sure, it seems that most of the villains in this story already know his secret identity, but that doesn't matter. I am also certain that Morrison is trying something symbolic with this, but that doesn't matter either. What does matter is that this does not make logical sense. It is out of character, even if Batman did suffer some type of psychotic break. Morrison is subverting these characters in order to create his own bit of artwork. A bit of artwork he so clearly believes is better and more important than a normal comic book tale.

Morrison is obviously trying to do something different here, which is not a bad thing in of itself. He is attempting to craft a story that will outlive his run on Batman, and in doing so, ironically, ensures its quick destruction the moment he turns his back on it. Radical changes, for good or ill, do not work very well in the comic book medium.

And what are all the other comic book authors to do when confronted with Grant Morrison's piece of fucking art? I'm sure they are contractually obligated to play along, for now. Most of the other issues like Robin and Detective Comics look to be in a holding pattern, waiting until the time is safe for them to come back out and retcon all of this into oblivion.

Which they will. Because it is a comic book.

Footnotes:

1: Spoilers are where some asshole such as myself intentionally ruins the ending of an awesome piece of media for those who have not yet experienced it yet. But of course, Batman RIP is not awesome, so this article doesn't count. They should not be confused with the character of Spoiler, who is currently appearing in Robin after having previously been brutally killed off before being retconned back in.

2: See Vesper Fairchild, Batwoman I (Kathy Kane), and Spoiler (Stephanie Brown) for good pointers on how to murder off a supporting female character in Batman.

3: This often happens with Bruce Wayne's love interests, most notably Silver St. Cloud in the 1970s and Sasha Bordeaux in the 2000s. At least they didn't get shoved in a refridgerator.

4: Mainly Talia Al'Ghul, the somewhat slutty daughter of Ra's Al Ghul. Batman now has a kid with her, thanks to another one of Grant Morrison's plotlines.

5: Oh fuck, that's going to happen, isn't it? Quick! I must copyright the idea before Morrison gets his hands on it!

Cosmo Felton